There are so many reasons for this I could simply list them, explain them, and bore the snot out of both of us. Who cares why? This is for me, it might be for you too.
"i did everything i could do"
Ever since I said this to myself the other night, it has taken me on a bit of a ride. A short ride, admittedly, but it has shown potential and even sums up many reasons for typing at the moment.
If this actually breaks the ring of family and close friends, I will be amazed. However, in case of that I will explain a few things that might otherwise lead to some confusion.
It took 4 of the 5 cars of a modernized Soviet 81-71M metro train to do it, but I lost the entirety of one leg, and everything to just above the knee of the other. The lack of 1 hip-joint, 2 knees, ankles, and a couple of feet does make it pretty difficult to get around, but after 6 years I've gotten pretty used to it and don't even remember, from time to time, that I ever got around differently.
Well, I don't often forget that I was 'normal' for 24 years (debatable) but the actual feeling has slid far away.
You'll have to trust me, it gets more interesting than that.
Not that getting over the darkside of trauma was easy, but I sure thought my life was going to be a lot different once I did. This is good and bad. I give myself a big thumbs up for a lot of things but...Boo-hisss and a big thumbs down is my playful way of saying I still live like a moron all too often, as if I was blissfully ignorant of my narrow escape from total wipeout. I can still muster up a pretty good chill if I try to figure out how I actually survived that one. Truly a lucky fool.
I don't dream about running, jumping, squishing grapes between my toes, or many other activities. Fact is, there are still infinite possibilities and I have yet to run out of things I can do. For some reason pigeage (or grape squashing to me, until just a second ago) was never on my wishlist in any case. A more accurate picture of want is to be a person who is where they want to be, or even beyond. Do you think of a goal or ambition that you could have 'easily' reached by now if you had really done what you needed to do and thought about how great living would have been? From time to time I am very pragmatic and I know that productive thinking is the way to move forward, so I am not depressed about this and I certainly am not stuck in the "what if?" game.
Thinking about all of this lead me to the end. At the end of my life, at the end of today, this minute, even this sentence, I'd want to have done something. My path is far too uncertain - variables rule our life - for me to really know what those wants will be. What I can say with near certainty is that I will have wanted to do what I could. Moments which make me most proud were not those that showcased my mental laziness, lack of effort, or even perfection for that matter. The right tracks in my life have been laid by trying new things, working my arse off, experiencing things beyond my comfort, giving a rat's patoot about self-consciousness, loving people and empathizing with others (or attempting as much), and generally thinking...keeping that internal dialogue going and being honest with myself.
And so, at any moment and on every time-frame I am trying to ask myself: "am I doing everything I can?".
It doesn't have to be literal, the answer only needs to be thoughtful. I've been thinking about it and it has made me feel better about a lot. I'm typing because of it and for the good of my friends and family out there that I don't stay in contact with. It may even be for the good of any passerby who could waste time anywhere on the web but is doing so here =) Really it's for me. I don't need feedback, readers, bashers, smashers, deadbeats, creepy crawlies, or applauders. I had completely different ideas for this website, but I had to start something - now. There's no plan, no concrete ideas of what will be showing up on these page(s) but I will be moving forward and willing, doing, going - and a bit of rambling too =)
Andre Kajlich
